LET'S TALK ABOUT "MOM RAGE":
- brittbryan1001
- Mar 16, 2024
- 8 min read
How I gave up dairy (and anger) for Lent.
I recently saw my doctor for routine bloodwork and found out that my cholesterol was elevated. Not high, but not great; so my doc wanted to put me on medication. I asked if I could try lowering my cholesterol with a diet change first. And because I am already a vegetarian, the next most obvious thing to cut back on was dairy.
Since the news of my high cholesterol coincided with the beginning of the Lenten season, giving up dairy was the perfect choice for me this year.
(Listen. I REALLY enjoy cheese, so that’s been a legit sacrifice for me.)
Strict observance of Lent is definitely a Catholic thing, but Christians of all denominations may choose to participate, as a way to honor the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. We give up something because He gave up everything for us.
When framed like that, it’s somehow easier for me to “sacrifice” something I might otherwise struggle to release. And so I personally “celebrate” Lent every year, even though I’m not Catholic, because it’s a meaningful exercise that strengthens my faith.
The simple act of giving up something for Lent may sound arbitrary, especially if it’s something trivial (like chocolate, or cheese…). But in my experience, it’s seriously difficult to let go of anything that has a hold on you.
Obviously, giving up dairy does not quite compare with Jesus giving his life on the cross. Which is why dairy is just one of the two things I chose to give up for Lent, and it’s actually been the easier one. It’s been significantly more challenging for me to give up the other thing: ANGER.
It was a podcast that challenged me to take a look at my anger. Have you heard of “Mom Rage”? Apparently it’s a thing.
You might be asking: “Why do moms get their own category of rage? Like, why not just straight-up, regular rage?”
These were the questions I had, as well.
To be honest, anger is something I have been struggling with, for a while now. It’s not like a daily burden. No one has told me I need to go to "Anger Management" support groups or anything. At least, not to my face....
"Temper's the one thing you can't get rid of, by losing it.” - Dr. Buddy Rydell, Anger Management
So, when I came across a podcast titled, “What is our rage telling us?”, I was intrigued by the title (for no reason at all, of course...).
In the podcast, clinical psychologist and parenting coach, Dr. Becky Kennedy, described not just any old rage, but “Mom Rage,” a term coined by Minna Dubin, who published a book last year called Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood.
This particular brand of rage is something that is increasingly effecting young mothers who struggle under the burden of unrealistic expectations for motherhood. It's a lonely feeling because mothers are NOT supposed to complain about motherhood.
Who can relate?
Dr. Becky says “rage” happens when there’s a combination of these three things:
Our needs are not being met.
A feeling of shame.
Not having the skills to manage our anger.
And that, my friends, is why there is such a thing as “Mom Rage.” Because is there any group of people whose needs are not being met more than moms??
But in all seriousness, by the end of the podcast, I realized this was, in fact, describing me.
Once I acknowledged that, I knew I could not unring that bell. It was time for me to do something about it. And as always with personal growth, this process had to begin with me being really, uncomfortably honest with myself.
If not for the podcast and the timing of Lent, I don’t know if I would have done this kind of self-reflection. But what I do know is that I've been surprised (and grateful) for how successful I have been at laying down my anger, using what I learned from the podcast.
What follows is my experience in working through each of the three contributing factors to rage.
Aside from Jesus, moms are the epitome of sacrificial love.
Don’t get it wrong, we wouldn't trade motherhood for anything. Everything we do comes from a place of love, and we would literally walk through fire to make sure our kids are happy, safe, and healthy. Every mom I know would say that is all true.
But it’s also true that because we tend to put everyone else’s needs first, moms can go unnoticed, unrested, unthanked, unfulfilled, and unsung. Which, for some, can lead to feeling quite unsatisfied and unhappy.
I should acknowledge that some moms feel nothing but bliss over the job - no, the calling - of motherhood. It’s the very core of their identity. That’s lovely and I am happy for them.
But for those of us who struggle to meet the demands of motherhood......who sometimes need some extra help.......who maybe have a desire for an identity that is not solely tied to small humans.......who need to be seen as an individual person and not only a mom.......who feel like we are failing at the whole thing.......and who (dare I say it!) don’t always LOVE parenting…...
There is a lot of guilt associated with those feelings.
So, not only are our needs not being met, but we feel guilty for having needs in the first place.
The scientific term for that phenomena is known as “Mom Guilt.” For this, I have no solution. I struggle with it every day of my life.
But when I consider “Mom Guilt,” it definitely makes “Mom Rage” seem a lot more obvious. Because when I feel guilty for having “selfish” or unmet needs, it causes me to experience shame.
2.) I’m ashamed.
“Wait a minute, shouldn’t I stand up for myself and my needs!?”
That’s how I reacted to this information at first. But then I realized that I was leaning into anger because it was preferable to feeling guilt, which goes hand-in-hand with shame.
Motherhood often seems characterized by guilt. Working moms feel guilty for not being with their kids more and compare themselves with the “lucky” stay at home moms. And SAH moms feel guilty for not contributing financially to the family and compare themselves to the “successful” working moms.
Oh, and single moms, the most under-appreciated and overwhelmed of us all? You deserve Sainthood.
The grass is always greener, especially when you’re the one who takes care of the grass!
All this guilt stems from societal expectations of what a mother should be:
She’s there for her kids in every way and at every moment; puts hot, nutritious meals on the dinner table each night at 6pm on the dot; carts kids to and fro from various activities; and posts on social media to make sure all the other moms know how together she has it and so everyone can admire her and say, “I don’t know how she does it ALL!”
But make no mistake, she must do it ALL. And if she has a full-time job, well….she’ll figure out how to do it all AND manage her career without depriving her children of her attention.
And if we fall short of being Super-Mom, which we inevitably will, we feel like failures. Which makes us feel guilty, humiliated and even foolish, which leads to shame. And shame is a corrosive, insidious thing.
If not dealt with, shame can cause feelings of resentment, which leads to anger, which morphs into rage.
(Ask me how I know…)
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3.) I don’t have the skills to manage my anger.
To recap so far: I have unmet needs that I feel bad for having, and I feel even worse that I have to vocalize these needs at all…....which makes me feel completely vulnerable and ashamed…....and because feeling shame is the WORST, I’ve been sliding into anger to cope.
But, this podcast made me ask myself, am I really coping?
I can tell you this without a doubt: it’s really hard to admit that I struggle with anger. It’s even more difficult to confess in my blog that my anger has morphed into rage because I feel shame and don’t know how to address it.
Anger has a way of spreading and infecting all areas of our lives, and so I knew I had to get help to figure out how to handle the unmet needs that were causing feelings of rage. After I acknowledged I had a problem, I got myself into therapy, which has been invaluable for me.
But, if you aren’t ready to pull the trigger on therapy just yet, but you think you may have a problem with anger, Dr. Becky says to ask yourself a few questions:
Are you angry or resentful and out of control a lot?
Do you describe things as “just happening” to you?
If so, those are good signs you are not taking responsibility for your experience.
I know. OUCH. But the truth is, we do have to take an honest inventory of where and how we contribute to the unmet needs and the feelings of anger we may experience as a result.
Then we can ask a couple more questions, like:
Whats my part - the part that I CAN control?
Where do I have a choice?
And then, we have to let go of what we cannot control and change what we can. I couldn’t do this without the help of my therapist. I’m still working on it.
Finally, I would add one more question to that list: If I’m angry, what do I hope my anger accomplishes?
That was a game-changing question for me. Because I realized when I reacted with rage, what I was really doing was trying to control the situation around me.
If my kids did something that made me feel ashamed, I’d respond in anger. If my husband hurt my feelings or didn’t do something I wanted him to - anger. If something happened to me that felt unfair or embarrassed me - anger.
And my subconscious hope was that by reacting with anger (okay fine, rage), I would get these people to do what I wanted! I could get my kids to behave better or respect me more. I could get my husband to do what I wanted instead of what he thought was best. I could alleviate any responsibility I may have had in a particular situation by being angry that it happened TO me. I was not wrong; I was wronged.
By admitting all of that, which was not fun, trust me, I was able to see where I was contributing to the situation. I could see where I needed to take responsibility and where I needed to release my grip.
...And did I mention therapy?
Now, Easter Sunday is exactly two weeks away, meaning Lent ends eleven days from today. Which means I can eat dairy again in exactly eleven days. (But in a much more conservative amount, if I hope to maintain lower cholesterol!)
But the real challenge will be how I handle anger moving forward. Will this Lenten reprieve be enough to keep my anger under control? Will I have eliminated "Mom Rage," or any kind of rage, from my emotional vocabulary?
Of course I don't assume that I am fully cured of anger. Nor am I trying to say I have all the answers. What I am trying to communicate is how much I have gained personally and spiritually - so far - by choosing to give up anger.
My level of stress has drastically decreased, my relationships are MUCH improved, and my faith has grown in a way that has given me more peace and assurance than ever before.
Because not only does anger have the ability to negatively impact my mental health and my relationships, it forms a barrier in my relationship with God. Jesus spoke strongly about the devastating effects of anger, and for me to ignore those warnings creates a roadblock to me experiencing the life he desires for me.
The kind of life Jesus desires for us so much that he gave his own life to ensure we have access to it.
If you are a mom experiencing feelings of rage, you are not alone. And you probably have really good reasons to feel the way you do. My hope is that this blog will encourage you to pay attention to what makes you angry, and then ask yourself why. Then ask why again. And again, and again, until you get to the root of your anger.
Then deal with it. For your kids, for your relationships, for your future, but mostly, for yourself. And in case no one has told you this today:
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