MYTHS OF MOTHERHOOD:
- brittbryan1001
- Aug 30, 2024
- 10 min read
Updated: Dec 6, 2025
Three important perspectives for new moms.
I am in the middle of baby-shower planning for a couple of friends of mine who are pregnant with their first babies. Meanwhile, my firstborn child turned 20 last week.
Yes, TWENTY. I know.
Which people typically find hard to believe. Throughout his entire life, when we were out together and someone would find out he was my son, they would say that I did not look old enough to have a kid "that age." To which I always replied, "I'm not."
Trust me, I'm not bragging about it because it's never been any special compliment. It's simply reality: I was way too young when I had him, so I am still not "old enough" to have a kid this age. And as a young mom, I made so mistakes and I have many regrets (shout-out to my therapist!). But I don't think I've ever met a mom who didn't feel that way, regardless of how old she was when she had her first child.
Anyway, looking back on my last twenty years as a mom, while I plan my friends' baby showers, it’s all gotten me pretty nostalgic. And I've been wondering, if I knew then what I know now, what would I tell myself as a new mom?
So, this is my letter to the young mama’s-to-be who are at the starting line of motherhood - the place where everyone wants to offer you advice. (Yes, like I am doing now; the irony is not lost on me.)
But it’s not actually “advice” I hope to give you, but more like “perspective," I guess. Perspective that arose from personal experience and lots of honest conversations with other moms throughout the years. This is like the old What to Expect When You’re Expecting book - but an updated version to hopefully meet moms where they're at in today's world.
Because the world is filled with Instagram moms who are killing it. (Do I follow those moms with envy? Of course, I do.) Their house is a living Pinterest board and they pack creative school lunches for their happy, well-mannered, impeccably dressed kids. And some of them even manage to look fantastic with pilates bodies, flawless skin, and perfectly "messy" bun while living their #momlife, #blessedlifebestlife.
Full disclosure: This is not that.
Instead, I'm going to talk about some aspects of motherhood that aren't exactly Instagram-friendly, but are crucially important to talk about. I wish someone had talked about this stuff with me back when I was where you are.
So, I want to share some perspectives with you now that I have gained with the benefit of hindsight. And just so you know what to expect, the three perspectives are:
1.) BECOMING A MOM DOESN'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.
When I was pregnant, I thought I would just instinctively know how to be a mom. It would happen instantaneously and naturally. Like, once I had my baby, I’d just BE a mom. What I didn’t realize is that it’s not merely the transition of carrying a baby in your belly to carrying them in your arms that suddenly makes you a mom.
Becoming a mother is a process.
Writing this now, that seems embarrassingly obvious. But to be honest, I was only able to gain this perspective recently while listening to a Jen Hatmaker podcast where she interviewed Lucy Jones, who wrote a book called Matrescence. “Matrescense” is a term coined by late American anthropologist Dana Raphael in 1974. (She’s also the person who came up with the term “doula.”)
“Matrescense” is the process of becoming a mother. It refers to the time in a woman’s life where there is a dramatic and traumatic change to her mental, physical, and emotional life.
The thing about a process is it doesn’t happen overnight. It can be a slow, not always linear course of action - or inaction. It can be a journey of delays and detours; of taking one step forward and two steps back. It’s an experimentation, of sorts.
Kind of like when I dyed my fourteen-year-old son’s hair last week. Going from brown to blonde is a process of bleaching his hair first and then toning it to just the right shade; platinum blonde, in this case. I'd dyed his hair several times before, so I knew what I was doing.
But for whatever reason this time, his hair turned bright orange. When I toned it, he ended up with yellow hair with purple highlights. The process of “fixing” it resulted in orange roots and varying shades of yellows. It was baffling to me. I did the very same thing I’ve done before, with the same materials, but somehow ended up with different results.
I’m trying to make the point that even when we know what we are doing, we can still bungle it all up. Learning how to be a mom is a process of trial and error. When we think of it like that, it allows for so much more room and freedom!
But the truth is that many women feel that they are actually losing their freedom when they have children. Because once you’re a mother, everything becomes about the baby. We tend to forget what happened to the woman who bore the child. Because she’s not really viewed as a woman anymore - she’s a mother now.
It’s very common to experience that identity shift - from woman to mother - once you’ve had a child. But I think far too often, women forfeit self-autonomy and allow their identity to be singularly wrapped up in motherhood; either by choice or by societal expectations.
But you do not have to choose one or the other. As you go through the process of becoming a mother, you don’t stop being a woman. You are still a person with individual thoughts and desires and goals. This may sound obvious, but looking back now, I realize it took me a very long time to learn that, so I think it’s worth talking about.
Yes, it takes some time to figure out how to coexist as a woman and a mother. Just remember, your mental, physical and emotional life is going through a dramatic, traumatic change. That is no small thing and it’s not something that will quickly and neatly settle into place.
Becoming a mother is a process, one you do not need to have entirely figured out on day one. And I wish someone had told me that when I was a young mom.
Helpful article from Expectful: "How Long Does it Take to Feel Like Yourself After Having a Baby?"
2.) BEING A MOTHER ISN'T ALL YOU THINK IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.
My use of the word “supposed” is very intentional. Because even after we come to terms with the fact that becoming a mother is a process, we still have these preconceived notions about what motherhood is "supposed" to be.
That it will be THE singular, glorious accomplishment of your life, for example. That you will love every waking (and sleep-deprived, let’s be real) moment of motherhood and you will get all of your value and self-worth from this God-given blessing. At least, that’s the message that is reinforced by society and other moms who have been made to believe that this is what we are supposed to say and how we are supposed to feel.
To be clear, I absolutely believe motherhood is the greatest blessing. It just doesn’t always feel that way.
For all the days filled with wonderful memories, there are also some worried, sleepless nights. For all the beautiful, tender moments, there are also hurtful, ugly fights. There are tears of joy and of pain. You will celebrate successes with your child, and mourn over their failures (as well as your own).
Being a mother has brought so much happiness (and heartache), meaning (and regret), and pride (along with heavy doses of shame and guilt) into my life. And while I think everyone appreciates how hard moms work, I don't think we pay enough attention to how hard that work is ON moms.
I am just saying motherhood won't always feel like you think it's supposed to feel. And maybe that’s not the stuff Hallmark movies are made of; but it is the truth.
Those “supposed to” thoughts can be isolating and lonely, leading to feelings of self-doubt and shame and even depression. Because on the days it’s not quite the blessing you signed up for, you will feel awful about it. You’ll have thoughts like, “What is wrong with me? Why do the other moms around me seem to be blissfully at the center of their calling, and I am over here questioning if I’ll ever feel like a good mom? A mom is not supposed to feel this way…”
But as it turns out, lots of moms actually do feel that way. Over the years, nearly every mom I’ve befriended has shared similar feelings. And when you hear other moms talk about their struggles, their feelings of failure, doubt and regret, you feel less alone.
And here’s the amazing result of learning that particular truth: if other moms are having those exact same thoughts, then it means those thoughts simply cannot be true. If ALL of us are feeling like we don’t measure up, then who exactly are we measuring ourselves against?
My hope is that you will reject what people tell you motherhood is supposed to look like and how it’s supposed to feel. But on the inevitable days when you do have those thoughts and feelings, I want you to know not only is that 1,000% normal, but that you are not alone. Which is why it’s so important that you talk with your partner and your friends and a therapist if you can. Don’t bottle these feelings up out of some misguided guilt that tells you that this is not how moms are supposed to be.
And so, being a mother won't be all you think it’s supposed to be. Which is why it is all about grace.
3.) MOTHERHOOD IS ALL ABOUT GRACE.
Even though I am sharing the things I wish someone had told me when I was a young mom, I know you will still struggle with the process of becoming a mother. You will still have those self-doubting feelings that things are not the way they are supposed to be.
This is something I am all-too-familiar with. When I was a young single mom, I wasn’t the mom I was supposed to be because I didn’t provide enough stability. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I was not the mom I was supposed to be because I didn’t contribute enough financially. When I was a working mom, I wasn’t the mom I was supposed to be because I wasn’t home or involved enough.
I wish I could say that I outgrew those feelings. Despite the fact that I know better, I still don’t feel like I am the mom I’m supposed to be. What is helping me these days is to look at the grace of God. The grace He extends to all of us. This is a point beautifully described by American author Brennan Manning in his book, All is Grace: A Ragamuffin Memoir.
Manning was a priest, who was dismissed from the priesthood due to his lifelong battle with alcoholism. In his memoir, he writes with shocking and refreshing honesty about being a sinner and a saint. In other words, being human. It’s this line I love so much that I think describes the kind of grace motherhood requires:
“My experience and my message…is this: God loves you unconditionally, as you are and not as you should be, because nobody is as they should be.” - Brennan Manning
If someday you feel that you’re not the mom you should be, maybe that's because no person is as they should be! And the fantastic news for us is that God loves us anyway. Even as we want to become better versions of ourselves, God loves us as we are and where we are.
That’s an endless kind of grace. And that’s exactly how moms love their children. Mothers so clearly embody a grace that is so massive, unconditional, and often times irrational. And yet, we struggle mightily to give it to ourselves.
But, if we extend our children endless grace, and God extends His endless grace to all of us as His children, then shouldn’t we be able to give ourselves just a little more grace?
Okay, maybe this isn’t exactly the funny and uplifting speech you want to hear at the baby shower. So, don’t worry. I won't say any of this on the day of celebration.
But these are the things I wish someone had shared with me when I was a young mom, because it would have alleviated so much guilt and shame. (Which would have been far more helpful than someone telling me to “sleep when the baby sleeps”….)
I wish I’d known that it was okay to be patient with myself while I discovered and explored the process of motherhood. I wish someone had told me that I did not have to lose my identity as a woman to be a mom. I wish I'd learned sooner that by staying hung up on how I wasn't not the mom I was supposed to be, it was keeping me from being present for my kids and being the mom they needed me to be. And I wish I had given myself so much more grace.
And so, I want you to know these things so that you feel less alone and more empowered to live in the unique space that you - and only you - can create for your children. And to do that, you’re going to have to embrace the fact that motherhood is a process, it isn’t all you think it’s supposed to be, but it is all about grace.
I want to leave you with just one final perspective on grace...
In case you're wondering what happened with the hair-dying fiasco with my son, it ended up being no big deal. After the second unsuccessful attempt to correct the very yellow situation, I wanted to try once more to fix it. But he had plans with friends and didn't want to be late. He insisted that it was fine.
As I drove him to meet up with his friends, I kicked myself the whole way, worrying. "Will his friends make fun of him? Will he feel embarrassed and insecure?" But it turned out, no one said a word about his hair and he ended up actually liking it after a day. I had been so upset about his hair not turning out like it was supposed to, and so consumed with guilt over it, and everything turned out just fine.
Which, if you ask me, is a pretty good analogy for motherhood and the grace we need to give ourselves. Something I am clearly still working on, as my husband (gently and lovingly) pointed out after he read this blog and asked me, "So, are you going to follow your own advice and give yourself some more grace?"
Yep. It's still a work in progress for me, unravelling the expectations of motherhood that I put on myself over the years, as I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. So, that's what my next blog is going to be about! I hope you'll check back in for that.
RESOURCES & FURTHER READING:
Moms on Call. A friend with children MUCH younger than mine said this book was her Bible when her children were infants.
Matrescence: On Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood a book by Lucy Jones.
Matrescence — What is it? Super helpful blog by Dr. Alexandra Sacks that goes into more detail about matrescence.
All is Grace: A Ragamuffin Memoir. by Brennan Manning
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